Saying no is essential for our success and productivity

Every day we are faced with thousands of small, sometimes even big decisions that we have to make. The vast majority of these decisions are made completely subconsciously, because consciously dealing with them would take us too much time and energy. Thus, in many ways, our lives and the level of our productivity are the result of these thousands of decisions that we have made from day to day. All our decisions are largely influenced by our subconscious and with it our fears.

Individuals who are able to overcome the fundamental fear, the fear of abandonment, are capable of deep focus and thus success.

We can’t say yes to all things in life, but all too often we say yes and we didn’t want to, or it is not good for us neither our success. And as Steve Jobs said all the things and decisions that we manage to say no to are the most important. It’s not enough to simply say yes to the things we’ve decided to focus on, and then say yes to hundreds of other good things alongside… No… It’s imperative to say no to those other hundreds of good things around.

“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that are there. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” – Steve Jobs

Why it’s so hard to say no

The reasons are often related to our beliefs, emotions and fears. Of course, our no makes certain people angry. People can become aggressive or withdraw from each other. In both cases, they cause us feelings of discomfort or awaken fears and even traumas that we carry inside. But the individual who is able to overcome these fears thrives. That individual who is focused on his no and who uses this word courageously and lives it will succeed. So what if a person gets angry! So what if the person leaves us! The key moment is when we see that nothing is going to happen that will destroy and kill us, when we see that the fear was greater than the real threat, then we put ourselves above it.

People suffering from the trauma of abandonment no longer distinguish who the people who caused them emotional trauma in childhood are. Which makes all the surroundings potentially dangerous. And that’s how they learn to always please their surroundings just in case, so that there is no repetition of childhood trauma. But when they realize that even if the trauma is repeated, what can be the most severe thing that can happen to them? And when they find out that they are adults after all and that they have their own power, then they grow over the trauma and overcome it. And the word no becomes their friend, their ally. They are not moved by anger or retreat from their surroundings. Because they can’t do anything to them.

We all are walking our own path, which we intuitively believe to be the right one. We have to trust ourselves. It’s interesting however how cruel the surroundings can be to persons who are overly kind and pleasant. Because, let’s face it, a lot of times it’s not really about kindness, it’s about the fear of abandonment. The environment senses this and, for exploitative reasons, adds the greatest burdens to the most pleasant people.

Reasons why you have trouble saying no

1. Fear that the relationship will collapse – If there is a fear that our relationship with someone will collapse if we do not do something, then we can ask ourselves if our relationship is healthy. Because conditioning in a relationship is usually not a sign of something we want to continue cultivating.

2. Fear of rejection – This is a pristine fear of abandonment that originates from childhood and has nothing to do with the present and must be overcome.

3. Desire of being accepted – Everyone wants to be accepted. But if this isn’t the case? What will happen? Will it be the end of the world? It won’t, but it is necessary to clear up with our inner fears.

4. Fear of conflict – The reasons are the same as for the fear of rejection. We have to ask ourselves what can happen the worst thing if there is a conflict in place. Will the relationship crumble? Will it disappear? The answers to the questions tell us that conditioning can be mediated, but where boundaries are not respected and therefore not part of a healthy relationship.

5. Low sense of self-worth – If fear is strongly present, then self-worth is conditioned. We may have some inner beliefs that the needs of others are more important than our own, and moreover that we have no right to set boundaries.

6. Social expectations – Society often has certain expectations of certain people (e.g. women are expected to perform certain household activities).

7. Guilt – When guilt is present, it is a sign that we have not defined our boundaries well and respectfully. We can feel like we’re going to disappoint someone or that we’re being selfish.

8. Fear of not having a new opportunity – New opportunities always come, and also here, fear is the underlying reason for such feelings.

9. Inability to recognize emotional manipulation and thus unpreparedness – Self-reflection, observation of the environment, learning from strong individuals, and experience will help us to get better at it.

What is the boundary?

A boundary is a physical and emotional space between two objects that have their own shapes and identities. The boundary defines these two objects as independent entities. Boundaries in interpersonal relationships help us understand the conflicting needs, desires, abilities, and limitations between persons. Understanding and creating boundaries is essential for healthy interpersonal relationships. When we feel and define a boundary, we can say that we are adults. I am me and you are you. You can neither make me happy nor make me sad. I have the power and the responsability for my own happiness.

Only when an individual shakes off the fear of abandonment and feels, forms and defines his boundaries, then we can talk about ways to say no, to be polite and not to hurt the opponent, and to maintain healthy relationships with people.

When to say no

We need to recognise situations that are not good for us and where we need to say no.

1. The action is not in line with our vision of ourselves, the project, etc. – Each person has their own priorities and their own visions. What is ours? Do we recognize it? At every point in our lives, we need to know for every action whether it aligns with our vision or if it is someone else’s vision.

2. We feel used, guilty, or obligated – Our gut tells us that we don’t want to do something, but somehow we feel like we should do it. In this case, it is most likely emotional manipulation taking place.

3. We feel that the request has crossed our boundaries – When our alarms go off and we see a red flag, that’s probably when the request has crossed our boundaries.

4. We don’t have the resources to perform this action – Sometimes people ask us for something, but they don’t check if we even have the resources to perform this action. It could be about time, money, or something else. If we do not have the resources, then we must reject such a desire.

5. The only reason is to please someone – Sometimes people are used to other people doing things for them, even though they could be doing them themselves. And if we realize that the only reason to perform an action is to please others, then it is often wisest to refuse it.

Why do we have to say no?

1. If we want to achieve our goals, we can’t say yes to everything – Less is more. To succeed and be happy, we must stick to our vision.

2. By setting clear boundaries, we achieve self-esteem and respect for others – At first, people may be surprised, but later they will begin to respect us more because they will see that we value ourselves.

3. In this way, we ensure that inappropriate requests from others occur less often – People will get used to the fact that we just don’t please everyone every time.

4. Taking care of our mental and physical health – In this way, we leave room for ourselves to achieve our mental and physical health and balance.

5. Building and maintaining strong and healthy relationships where boundaries are clear – When boundaries are clear, relationships are stronger and healthier. There are no resentments and unnecessary disappointments.

6. More energy for important projects – Only if we have enough energy will we be able to accomplish personal projects that excite us.

When do we say yes?

1. Compliance with our values and desires – When the action is part of our vision that we have about ourselves or about projects

2. Openness to new experiences – When we want to try something new and inspire change into our lives. We have to be very careful here though that we really want it ourselves.

3. Satisfaction and happiness – When something really satisfies us and fills us with energy. For example, when we estimate that our gesture could change a person’s world for the better and we want to make a positive contribution to the community.

When we study strong and successful people, we can see that they are masters at setting boundaries. However, sometimes they fail to do so in all areas of their lives, sometimes they do not even know how to set boundaries in certain areas. This means that they can be extremely assertive in setting boundaries in business, but perhaps too lenient in interpersonal relationships.

It is crucial to be aware of the areas where setting boundaries is not a problem for us and where it is still difficult to set them. The real power is not that we reject everything around us, but that we are able to quickly orient ourselves and decide whether something suits our vision or not and communicate it in a respectful and appropriate way that inspires both ourselves and others.

Setting boundaries is not a sign of selfishness, but an appreciation of one’s own energy, as well as respect for oneself and others.

If you are ever in doubt about whether it is right to reject something, ask yourself: Would you do it out of love or fear?

Source: Images generated by Leonardo AI